This isn’t a super polished post…
It’s Thursday. I’m doing homework and making my way through the readings for this week in Methods. I explored Angela LaScala-Gruenwald and Brian Mercado’s work with ease and excitement but I’m getting stuck on the pieces by Jaqui Alexander & Chandra Mohanty and Evren Savci. I’m finding the language challenging. I’m struggling to retain the information and stay focused reading more than a few lines and finding myself getting frustrated because I have no idea what I just read. The little voice in my head keeps saying: “You’re not smart enough to read this,” “This is above your reading level,” “You should be able to understand this content, you’re in grad school,” etc. etc. I read about half of each piece before deciding to close my laptop for the day because I recognize that it’s not the best use of my time to sit staring at a screen trying to force myself to understand something that’s just not clicking right now. I’m contending with a few thoughts. Am I not trying hard enough? Am I making excuses to not do the work by saying “This is just too much for me right now, I am not going to invest more energy into it,”? Is it okay to just accept that sometimes readings are too much? I’m trying to remind myself it doesn’t mean I am uninterested in the content, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about the work but maybe it just means I am learning my boundaries and levels as a student. I wanted to just flesh out some of the thoughts I’m having at this moment and post it to the blog- maybe because I am hoping someone is also struggling as much as I am and writing this all in definite will make me feel less alone; also I’m curious about people’s experiences when they encounter work they don’t feel they can fully process.
You are not alone.
I struggle too. I also look at the screen and have trouble connecting the dots, the words, the meaning. I re-read lines. I write notes. I wonder what will resonate. Will I be able to refer to these notes in class and speak to them? Did I write the term “praxis” in my glossary, the one I started in Oza’s class, the one I refer to when I get lost? What tools am I using to keep myself apace? Do I have any dark chocolate bars left in my refrigerator to ease the pain of a praxis?
It’s all I can do to stay afloat. Not even to chase a grade, but to remain lucid while reading text with nomenclature new to me. I learned last semester to take it one text at a time, to slow my roll. I don’t have to compete to be the voice heard in the room; I just have to listen to the voice in my head, reminding me that I belong here, and part of that belonging is just being.
You are not alone..